Damage Control
by Princess in the Pea
Summary: Sirius tries to kill himself and it all goes downhill from there. i'll also be posting on  hpfanfic just so ya'll know. please read and tell me if i should continue. i beg of you!
1. It Starts with an End

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter because if I did I would have an Ipod with more gigabytes than four, I'd also have more cd's than I do, but whatever, I'd also be British, but I live in California, so again, whatever.

Damage Control

Sirius locked the bathroom door, both magically and normally, and then turned on the shower. He peeled off his clothes until he was just in his boxer shorts and stepped in too the shower. He took a deep breath and then with a razor blade slit both his wrists and sat down.

He heard a distant voice and knocking on the door, but he was just too tired and his limbs were too heavy to move, so he lay in the shower covered in his own blood before it would wash away down the drain like the rest of his life had since he first stepped foot into Hogwarts and befriended James Potter.

"Sirius!" James huffed, "Sirius what the hell are you doing in there!"

James constantly worried about his best friends and he and their other friend Remus had decided since Sirius had run from home that James would keep a close watch on him since he, meaning Sirius, had already tried to kill himself twice before. Once in fourth year when he jumped off the Astronomy tower, and once in third year when he had slit his wrists in the dorm bathroom, James remembered that one clearly-

_Peter had once again been complaining that he was hungry so Remus and James suggested that they all go to the kitchens. They had been keeping an eye on Sirius because he had been depressed, but when he said he didn't want to go they figured that they could leave him alone for an hour or so. When the got back Sirius was no where in sight, but there was light coming from under the bathroom door. James had walked over and forced it open with magic and gagged at the strong coppery smell of blood that came at him. He fought the urge to throw-up and peered into the bathroom. There was Sirius unconscious in a puddle of his own blood. James vomited. Lily came running up because she had heard the door being forced open and Remus grabbed her and told her to get McGonagall because it was an emergency. Lily ran as fast as she could and came back what seemed like seconds later with their Head of House behind her. McGonagall demanded to know what was going when she smelled blood. She walked over to the bathroom and gasped then she called professor Dumbledore. The next week went by in a blur, most of it was spent waiting for Sirius to wake up, then when he woke up there was a lot of yelling by James and Remus about how stupid he could be, then they made him promise he would never do it again, that only lasted about a year. _

James once again had to force a bathroom door open and was once again greeted by Sirius unconscious and bleeding to death after slitting his wrists. James gagged as he pulled the other boy from the tub, wrapped bandages around his wrists and then he ran to contact his mother, who was a nurse. She came as fast as she could and closed the gashes, re-bandaged his wrists and then gave him a potion that would help replenish his blood supply. Mrs. Potter and James then moved him into James bed and walked out.

"Give this to him in two hours," she said handing him a potion bottle, "I'll be back as soon as I can, and I'll call your father and see if he can get off work. He should be unconscious for a while so you won't have to worry about him waking up and doing something stupid, alright?"

James nodded, "I'm gonna flu Remus and Peter, is that okay?"

She nodded then left. James walked down to the fireplace, threw in some green powder and yelled out Remus' name.

"REMUS!"

"James? Where are you?"

"Look in the fireplace."

Remus looked up and the moment he saw James' face he knew something was wrong, "What happened James?"

James sighed, "Sirius happened Rem."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He's at it again."

Confusion spread across Remus' face and he waited for James to explain further.

When James didn't he said, "What's he at again James?"

"Oh, right. He um….he tried to kill himself again."

"That's not funny James."

"I'm not joking. He locked himself in the bathroom and bled all over the shower!"

Remus frowned, they had been worried about Sirius ever since he had run away from home that summer, "I'll be right there James."

"Alright," James said then pulled his head out of the fire and waited for Remus before he called Peter.

"Mom, Dad, I'm going to James' place for a bit."

"Why?" Remus' mother asked walking into the sitting room where he was.

"Going to visit him and Peter and Sirius, because he….." Remus stopped letting the sentence hang.

His father walked in and stood behind his mother, "Because he what son?" he asked wondering what Remus had been about to say.

Remus hesitated, he wasn't quite sure how to tell his overly kind, and sensitive parent's that one of his friends was beat by his own parent's and that he was suicidal. So he just blurted it out, "Because Sirius is hurt."

"Oh, how did he get hurt?" his mother asked kindly.

"He um…." Remus pondered for a minute how to say this and decided it was just best to blurt it out, "he tried to kill himself." He said quickly

His mother dropped the glass she had been holding and gasped, "Why would he do such a thing!? How could his parent's let him do that?"

"He ran away from home at the beginning of summer, his parent's abused him, and this isn't the first time he's tried to kill himself."

Remus' mother gasped and tried not to cry, "That's awful."

Remus just nodded and said, "So it's okay if I go then?"

"Sure, but why don't you let us go with you."

Remus nodded his consent and with his parent's went through the fireplace to Potter Manor where they fell on the carpet unceremoniously in front of James. Remus looked up, "Hey James."

"Hey Remus, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, my dad should be home soon. I've just got to call Peter."

Several minutes later Peter stood in the hall with his parents, the Lupins, and James and his father. James was left to explain everything and then lead his two friends up to his room where Sirius was asleep.

"So exactly what happened?" Peter asked still not quite clear on the events of the day.

James sighed, "Padfoot tried to kill himself again."

"Because he ran away?" Peter asked

"Sort of," Remus began to explain, "he's depressed, he needs help, and I guess we thought we were enough for him, but we weren't. He thought he needed an out." Remus said as they walked into the room Sirius was in.

It was dark and James could hear his friend's faint breathing. He opened the curtains and looked at Sirius, he was pale and James hated to see him like this, he wished he could help Sirius more, but knew that the only thing he could do was be there when the other boy woke, which would be soon hopeful. In the meantime though, he turned to talk to Remus and Peter about how they could help him when he woke up.

_Sirius' world was black and he couldn't see anything, but he could hear voices in the distance, even if he couldn't make out what they were saying. So he let his mind wander, 'Am I dead?' he asked nothing in particular, 'No,' he thought, 'if this was death it wouldn't hurt so damn much. Another failed attempt I guess. Suppose I should try to keep my promises to James and Remus. Better try to wake up before they decided to lock me away for the rest of my life.' _

Sirius groaned as he struggled to open his eyes and winced when he succeeded because the sunlight was so bright.

"It must be a record, three hours." He heard James drawl sarcastically.

Sirius groaned again, now they were going to lecture him on his stupidity.

"What were you thinking?" James asked sitting next to him on the bed. He was followed closely by Remus and Peter.

"Nothing," Sirius said aggravated at being interrogated.

"This is serious!" He was starting to yell, "You could have died!"

"Well yeah James, that was kind of the point! I didn't slit my wrists just for the heck of it!"

James winced at his harsh words and he could hear Mrs. Potter choke down a sob outside the door, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't fair that he was still alive.

'So much for third times the charm.' He thought sarcastically to himself.

James glared at him, it was obvious that he was concerned and angry at Sirius for his complete stupidity, "How could you say such an awful thing!?"

Sirius shrugged, "Really James, you want the truth?"

"Of course I want the truth," he said as if Sirius was a moron for even asking

Sirius took a deep breath, "Just remember James, the truth hurts."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that it's not a pretty truth James, I'm tired," James started to open his mouth but Sirius cut him off, "I'm tired of everything, it hurts too much."

Remus spoke this time, "We're your friends Sirius, let us help you through this, just give us a chance."

Sirius watched Remus plead and James and Peter nod their heads in agreement, "I'm not sure you can help me Remy."

"Why not?" James asked beating Remus to the punch

Sirius looked away out the window, "Because, I don't think you could ever understand. You guys all have parent's who would die for you, mine were more likely to use me as a shield or a test subject than die for me."

James looked enraged by this, "We'll, we're you family now." He started to say with conviction. Sirius cut him off, "James, we can say that all we want, but my parents will always be Orion and Agrona Black, and their perfect son will always be Regulus. Although no matter what I get everything unless I die first."

James and Remus looked at each other, "Please don't say that's why you were trying to kill yourself."

Sirius looked disgusted, "Hell no, I'd never kill myself for them."

"Good," Mrs. Potter said walking into the room, "because you are staying here, and you **are** going to a therapist."

Sirius didn't argue, because he knew better than to argue with Maia Potter, "It's kind of ironic that your names translates to mother." He said smiling at her. It wasn't a full smile, but James, Remus, Peter, and Maia Potter all knew it was the start of the road to recovery.

His Therapist, Doctor Harrison, sat down in the chair opposite Sirius with his clipboard in hand. He briefly looked at Sirius' information before saying, "So, Mr. Black, what brings you here today?" with a big fraud smile on his face.

Sirius stared at him blankly before replying, "Its Sirius, Mr. Black was my father."

"Was," Dr. Harrison said, sounding slightly interested, rather than his previous bored tone of voice, "did he die?"

Sirius snorted, "No, and I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that you expected me to be another whiny rich kid who really has no problems, right?"

Dr. Harrison looked taken back, before admitting it, "Yes, actually I was. The eldest child to Orion and Agrona Black would be expected of something like that."

"Here's the deal Doc, my wonderful parents," Sirius spoke the word 'wonderful' with so much sarcasm you could choke on it, and spat out the word 'parents' with so much venom it would kill a giant in seconds, "have so kindly disowned me."

Dr. Harrison tried to discretely write that down on his papers, but Sirius knew exactly what he was doing, before saying, "So that's why you're here," like he had just had an epiphany.

Sirius shook his head sadly, "No, that's not why I'm here."

The Doctor looked crestfallen, "Oh, then why are you here?"

"I tried to kill myself," Sirius said as if this was something everybody did.

"WHAT!?" Dr. Harrison yelled at the top of his lungs causing Sirius to flinch, "Maia didn't tell me that! I don't deal with suicides, you should be in an insane asylum strapped to a bed so you can't hurt yourself…or anyone else," he added as an after thought.

Sirius waited until his soon to be ex-therapist was done yelling before saying anything, "Are you quite done now?" he waited until Dr. Harrison nodded, "Good, cause here's the deal, you don't know me, you don't know why I did it, and you certainly don't know me, so I feel that you actually need to try to treat me otherwise you are a _failure_ at your job. You want me to go home to mom and tell her that?"

Dr. Harrison looked confused, "Mom?"

"I call Mrs. Potter, Mom; she's more of a mother to me than mine was."

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to let down Maia without a fair fight, so let's go, why did you try to kill yourself Sirius?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure, mostly I was just tired." He said with a sigh as he leaned back in his chair

Dr. Harrison watched the grey eyed boy lean back, something about the way he sat and stared out the window as he said this made him look sad. He waited until he knew that Sirius was done talking before he said anything else, "Why not try starting at the beginning."

Sirius turned his haunting gaze to look at Dr. Harrison, "Which beginning, it feels like there are too many, I've probably lost half of them by now."

Dr. Harrison stared at the boys face and noted his aristocratic features, on most men they would seem feminine, but on him they actually looked good. This boy was turning out to be a very interesting patient, probably the most interesting one he'd ever have in his career, "Sirius, just start at the first beginning and you'll end up covering the others from there."

Sirius took a deep breathe and returned his gaze to the window, "I always liked the rain, the way it seemed to purify everything around it. I never got to play outside in the rain when I was little though, I got loaded in silk and satin clothes, expensive presents that I never cared about, because people were sucking up to my parent's. A bunch of parents wanted to betroth their daughters to me. None of them were 'good' enough. You know something else, I met all of those girls at school, and they were all pretty nice girls, although they all ended up in Slytherin. I was the perfect pure-blood son until the moment I decided to talk to James Potter on the train, well, I was perfect on the outside, and if I had really wanted to, I could have convinced the hat to put me in Slytherin, but after talking to James, I didn't want to anymore. I just got tired of pretending. I guess I get tired of things a lot."

Sirius paused to catch his breath, he had a far away look in his eyes, "How much longer to we have?"

"We have fifteen minutes," Dr. Harrison said looking at the clock on his desk.

"Should I continue talking?" Sirius looked at the Doctor who nodded, "My life changed forever that day, and there is no way I can say it was for better or worse definitely, but I like to think it was for the better, I probably would have died by now if I hadn't followed the path that I chose to follow. I like to have fun, have friends, be with anyone I want to be with, if I had stayed with my family, I couldn't do any of that, they would have sucked out any individuality I had, and I would have died, I have no doubts about that."

Dr. Harrison looked puzzled, "Well, after surviving all of that, why try to kill yourself?"

Sirius looked up at the Doctor surprised that he had even thought of that, "If you let me keep going I think I might be able to get to that point, there's just a lot and it might work better for both of us if I keep it in order."

The doctor nodded, "Alright, but you only have a few minutes left."

"The first day of lessons, I got a howler from my mother calling me all sorts of terrible things, most kids would be devastated, but for some reason I just couldn't care. Maybe it was because I had real friends, people who liked me for me and not my status and power. It really doesn't matter now, but that one howler started a long harsh chain of abuse, every Christmas and summer break, eventually I wasn't allowed home for Christmas and ended up at James' house or at school alone, one year I tricked my friends into leaving me at school alone. I didn't want to overstay my welcome at the Potters, since they were the only ones comfortable with me hanging around. Remus' parent's known too much about my family and don't like them and Peter's parent's are afraid of my family."

Sirius looked at the clock in the room, "So I guess we're out of time now." He commented with a smirk.

Dr. Harrison looked surprised; he had been riveted by the black haired boy's story, "Yes, your times up. Now, I'm going to continue with your story next week, but we're also going to set aside some time because I think it would be healthy for you to see what this has done to your friends and surrogate family. So you get extra time next week. I'll inform Maia."

Sirius faked a pout, "You don't trust me to tell her? I promise I will."

The Doctor almost bought it, almost, "Nice try, but not going to happen, I can tell you'd rather not be here longer than an hour, but that sucks for you."

Sirius frowned deeply, it would have been hideous on most other peoples faces, but on him it just increased the aristocracy of his features, "Fine, I'll be leaving now." He got up and walked into the waiting room to meet with Mrs. Potter followed by Dr. Harrison.

Maia Potter smiled at Sirius as he walked out, "Sirius dear, go wait outside for a minute please?" she watched him nod and walk out the door and past the window to wait for her in the rain. She then looked at the doctor, "So, how's it going?"

He sighed, "You didn't tell me he was a suicide, you didn't tell me he was abused, he needs more help than I can get him Maia. I'm not qualified for this; his problems go way to deep for just therapy."

"Well I don't think having him relive all the bad stuff through Occlumency is a better option, do you?" she asked heatedly.

"No, so I think having his close friends, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily, I believe you said were there names, come in and have them all say how this makes them feel. I'm not trying to put pressure on him; I just want him to see how his actions affect others, and I want his friends to try and see how he feels, and how they can help him. It's all apart of the healing process."

She nodded, "That sounds reasonable, so same time next week?"

"He gets an extra couple of hours because I think this particular boy needs extra time, it takes a while to coax his story out of him so it would work better with more time."

Maia Potter nodded, thanked Dr. Harrison, paid him and walked out into the rain, raising her umbrella to keep it off.

She walked up and stood next to a soaking wet Sirius, "Was it really that bad?" she asked watching him as he stared at the floor.

He moved his foot, which caused him to look nervous, "I just never like to talk about that stuff. I don't like to remember it, and I really don't like to think about my family, because we all know it's true, blood is really thicker than water." He turned his gaze away from his feet and up to her green eyes. Green connected with grey and she felt his pain, Mrs. Potter finally understood why Sirius was trying to end his life, and he was right, the truth hurt.

Mrs. Potter slung her arm over his wet shoulder and pulled him into a hug of sorts, "C'mon, let's go home."

He nodded and they began the trek back to the Potter's mansion silently in the summer rain shower.

They entered the house and 'Mother' Potter sent Sirius upstairs to take a shower and change out of his soaking wet clothes. James, Remus, Lily, and Peter were all playing Quidditch out back. She wasn't sure how much longer she wanted them out there, so she went to the door and yelled for them to wrap up the game and get inside, them Maia went to make them all hot chocolate, because who doesn't like hot chocolate?

The next week was spent just relaxing and avoiding any conversation about what the kids had deemed as Sirius' 'issue'. Sirius himself would sit outside on the porch in the rain, Mrs. Potter had to guess that he was crying and didn't want anyone to know, so she didn't say anything.

When the week was up they all trudged out the front door and headed into town, Mrs. Potter and Lily in the front chatting animatedly, with James, Remus, and Peter in the middle discussing school and quidditch, and Sirius bringing up the rear as if he was headed to his own funeral.

They arrived and were all pulled into Dr. Harrison's office and out of the waiting room. Dr. Harrison sat them down in seat that sat in a semi-circle, then he sat across from them all and smiled looking at all of them; then stopping on Sirius, "Hello all, I'm Dr. Harrison, would you all mind introducing yourselves? I mean I already know Sirius, but I don't know the rest of you."

Lily smiled and took it upon herself to point and introducing everyone starting with herself, "I'm Lily Evans; this is James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, it's very nice to meet you Dr. Harrison."

Dr. Harrison smiled, "It's very nice to meet you all too, so shall we get started?" he smiled at Sirius again. Sirius glared back relentlessly, it was obvious that he didn't want to be there.

Everyone nodded, "Alright, we're all going to write letters about how certain actions made us feel and read them to each other. I know this sounds silly, but hopefully it will help you all understand each others reasoning and actions." They all got what events he was hinting at and agreed.

Dr. Harrison handed them each a stack of parchment, a quill and an ink well, along with something solid to write on. For the next few minutes all that could be heard in the room was the scratching of quills. The doctor gave them a half-an-hour and then asked if they were all done. When they all said yes he asked who would like to go first, Lily volunteered since no on else did.

"Thank you Ms. Evans, I appreciate your bravery in going first."

Lily stood up and cleared her throat, "Even though I know it wasn't said directly, I realize that this letter was meant to be written to Sirius about his 'issue' as we've deemed it. I won't promise to understand your reasoning," She said looking at him, "because I never will. I know that you haven't had the best family life, but it doesn't matter if blood is thicker than water.

"A wise friend of mine told me that your friends are the family you choose, and you chose us, and as far as I'm concerned we are your blood. The way I see it, we all keep each other going through the bad, and even if you don't want us to catch you when you fall down the stairs, we always will. Sirius, it really hurts me to know that you're hurting," Lily chocked back some tears before continuing, "but you're one of my best friends, you're like my brother and I love you. I just don't get why you would want to do something like that, because it's not just yourself that you're hurting, it's all of us too. "God when James called me to tell me it felt like my heart had just fallen to the floor and I was stuck in a pit of quick sand. I couldn't breath, my lungs were on fire, I felt like I was going to pass out, and it's because I love you.

"The entire time I've known you, you've thrown your family to the wind and you never gave a damn about how they treated you, you always did what you felt was right, from defending your friends against your family, to cursing Bellatrix because she said something mean about me, the price you would pay for it later never mattered to you, and it never mattered to me, until the price became you life and then it got scary. I worried that they would kill you once they found out that you inherited everything no matter what unless you were dead, but I never thought that you would give them what they wanted and kill yourself. I really hope it isn't wrong of me to say it's selfish, because it really is selfish of you to take away a friendship that means so much to me. I love you and I always will."

Lily smiled sadly and sat down waiting for someone to say something.

Before Dr. Harrison could ask James stood up and took his turn thinking that if he waited he wouldn't be able to do it. James looked directly at Sirius and nowhere else the entire time he spoke, "I hate it that you fell you need to die in order to be better. I can't stand that you still think of them as you family, and I don't think I will ever understand why you do. I just don't get why every year, summer and Christmas, you went crawling back there like an injured puppy only to crawl away again after being kicked. I know you don't want to hear this, I know you are one hundred percent right when you say that the truth hurts, but I think you need to hear this, they love Regulus, they don't love you, I doubt they ever had, he's their child, you were there heir, their future and somewhere down the line instead of making you who they wanted you to be, in their eyes they broke you. They've let you go, but we haven't, we aren't ready to yet. I will not let you drown in you own misery. They may not care, but I do, they may not love you, but you are my brother, they may wish you were dead, but I never will, and they may never want you for who you are, but I always will. Sirius," James said taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes, "you are my brother, blood or not, and I still need you, more importantly though, I still want you around."

No one said anything for a few minutes, unable to speak after Lily, and especially James' speeches, Dr. Harrison broke the silence, "Well, does anyone want something to drink, I think it's about tea time anyways." He stood up and started putting tea together.

Lily, Remus, and Peter stood and walked over to the window to chat feeling the need to stand up. James continued to stare at Sirius willing him to make eye contact, or even look at him. When Sirius refused James stood and moved over to the chair right nest to the other boy.

"Sirius, I'm sorry." He said trying to prompt his grey-eyed friend to speak.

Sirius shook his head, "No you aren't. If you were sorry then everything you said would be a lie and I wouldn't be hurting this much. Please James, don't apologize just to make me feel better about something that can never change, I'm not a child."

James looked slightly shocked as the Doctor handed them each a cup of tea. He watched as Sirius chugged his hot tea and put the cup down, James was probably the only person in the world who knew that Sirius wasn't particularly fond of tea, but that years of lessons in manners from his mother taught him to drink it quickly without being bothered by the taste or looking rude, or in her words 'vulgar'. James couldn't do that, he didn't like tea, but he had to struggle through it by using lots of sugar and milk.

They drank their tea quickly not wanting to waste too much time, and when they went back to the session James went back to his original seat pondering who would go next, what Sirius had meant, and if this was really going to help his friend.

"Who wants to go now?" Dr. Harrison asked smiling

Peter raised his hand and when Dr. Harrison gave him the okay he stood and began, "Sirius, you know I don't have many friends, and I really look up to you guys, and I worry about you. I feel bad because I wish I was like James and Remus and could help you better, but I can't. I remember the first time we met and I was scared of you because of your name, I know I've never had to deal with that stuff before, and I think I would be to afraid if I was in your shoes to even stand up to my family. I would never be able to put up with the pain I know you put up with, but don't you think that they've dragged you though the mud enough, don't you think that it's time it all stops? Don't you think it's time you stop dragging yourself through the mud for them. You're one of the strongest people that I know; please don't give up after you've gone through all of that, who else would have the guts to tutor me in potions then?"

James watched as a small smile played on Sirius' lips after that last line.

Remus stood up and started speaking then, "Guess it's my turn then, we do have to save the best for last after all.

"Padfoot, my friend, my brother in 'arms', and my fellow marauder, don't you think it's time you let them go, moved on with your life? I'm not saying that you need to forget, because I don't think that would be wise. For a while I couldn't see how you could ever see yourself as having it harder than me, with my condition and all, but now I do. My parent's love me more than anything, they gave up theirs lives for me, and you, I know there were some many times that you almost gave in just to have some form of affection from your parent's. I can't imagine how hard that could possibly be, and to be honest, I don't think I ever want to know.

"In my life there have been so many times where I have just sat down and said no more and stopped and given up, and then I would see you with a black eye, or a bloody nose, or split lip, and seeing you go on would somehow just make me get up, like my consciences was telling me that if you could do it after the way your family treated you then why couldn't I fight against my condition which was a subconscious thing that no one could control, a freak of nature, while what you went through was a decision that your parents made knowing the repercussions and damage it would cause. I wonder what it would be like today if they had accepted you, but that choice helped make you into the wonderful person you are today. Don't let what they've done hurt you so bad that you have to kill yourself to escape the pain. Just," Remus paused for a moment and took a deep breath, "…just keep living even if it is to spite them, to show them that what they say and do still doesn't affect you, do it to show them that you're life never revolved around making them happy, to show them that you're bigger than their petty ideals, and do it because we love you and we want you to stay alive for a very long time. We'd miss you to much if you were gone, and the marauders wouldn't be the same without you." Remus smiled and then sat back down letting out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.

Dr. Harrison had been sensing the tension building up in Sirius since Lily had first read her letter, it was so thick in the air at this point that you would have had to cut it with a meat clever, that is to say that if tension could be cut out of thin air. He turned in his seat to his patient, "It's your turn Sirius. Take your time."

Sirius gave the doctor a look that was so dirty, that if looks could kill Dr. Harrison would be in a coffin twelve feet under. The black haired boy stood up and as he read he stared at the paper, because he was pouring out his heart and soul to them at this moment in time, "Lily, I thank you for not pretending that you know what I've been through, Peter, thanks for making me feel needed, Remus, thank you for reminding me that others have struggles besides my self, and James, thank you most of all for saying the things most others are afraid to say, for stating what needs to be heard by me from someone I know cares and not putting a curtain over the entire picture that you paint and shielding me from the ugly things, I really appreciate it, all of you.

"But there are some things that you need to know, whether or not you understand them. All of you are my family, you're a part of me, of who I am today, but you need to remember that the hideous people that I call blood are also my family, no matter what I, or they do, it will always be that way," he looked up at this point, "…and in a way, they saved my life. I know you don't get that, so let me explain before you look at me like I need to be locked up in St. Mungo's psych ward, they did not have to let me live. I know I was really badly hurt when I got to your house James, but the thing is, in that state I never would have made it out the front door, they could have stopped me by just touching me, but I made it and that tells me something. I know now they may have changed their minds, but then, the last thing they will ever do for me is what's important to me. I will never be able to remember the good in my parents because I never saw it, I was like a prize for my mother to flaunt in her sister's face, she used me to show her that she was better than her own sister because not only had she married Orion Black, future patriarch of the black family, but she also had the heir to the black family legacy. My father was the same way he used me to piss my uncle off, I think that's partially why Bellatrix turned out the way she did, he wanted a son, and he got another daughter. He wanted to have the heir, he didn't.

"I've been so mistreated, and I don't feel any desire to have a pity party because of it, the way I see it, there is no time for self-pity, but you need to have time to feel the pain, to remember what you went through it all for, otherwise it's worthless. I know I hurt you guys when I do stupid things like that, and I do a lot of stupid things, mostly because I'm not afraid of the consequences, there is nothing anyone can do to me at this point that compares to the torture I have already been through in my life, there's so much, and I just never want to relive it again," he closed his eyes trying to hold back tears, because Blacks don't cry, and he was still a Black, "I have night-terrors constantly about my past, and some nights I just don't sleep anymore because I'm scared to relive my life in my dreams. It's not something I want to face, and I don't think I have the courage too.

"There are so many times when I think I'm holding you guys back, dragging you down and I just want to separate myself and not have friends, but I'd die without you guys. I can have the most horrendous night-terror, and never want to wake up, and I'll lie in bed thinking I won't make it through the day because the memory just hurts so much, and then I'll remember you guys and I know I can make it.

"I just get so tired of everything, pretending nothing is wrong with my life, dragging you guys down to my pit of self loathing, but mostly I just get tired of existing when I'm really not happy.

"It feels like I'm trapped at sea in a storm and I'll never find my way out, like I'm drowning in the water and I can't find up, and I hate it, but I just can't do anything about it. No matter how hard I try to look on the brightside of things, I just can't. It's like every time I get close to the surface I get turned upside down and backwards again, and it's just not fair. I have to fight just to make myself live, and why should I when I really don't want to? I'm not who everyone thinks I am! I mean yeah, that's me, but not the true me, I'm really this messed up, abused, unwanted, outcast kid who knows all to well what it's like to have his parent's hate him. I did it because I was sick of life, I still am, and to make it worse I don't know how to fix myself, so if any of you know a better way to fix me besides the masochism of me torturing myself by reliving my entire life please tell me, because I cannot deal with this." He stopped and took several deep trying to stop tears from coming down his cheeks and failing.

His friends and therapist stood their in shock, and Mrs. Potter, who had been listening in due to the request of Dr. Harrison, was sobbing on the desk.

James watched as Sirius turned away from them, ashamed, to look out the window. He wouldn't have his best friend, his brother, feeling ashamed of his feelings, or what he had just said. James stood with purpose and walked over to Sirius, Lily quickly following him catching on to what James was doing. James crouched in front of his friend while Lily sat on the arm of Sirius' chair and put a hand on his shoulder. James made Sirius look at him as he said, "Sirius, please don't feel embarrassed to share your emotions, or to open up to us. We're your friends and I promise that we will never make fun of you."

Sirius shook his head and swiped at his tears like a small child, "Blacks don't cry."

James knew by this point that everything Sirius parent's had beaten into him, aside from their prejudices, would never changed. He had known that since third year when Sirius had apologized after James had punched him. Only Sirius would apologize for being hit and it made James sad that he would always be that way, even if he didn't deserve it.

James knew now that he was going to have to protect Sirius, not because Sirius couldn't protect himself, but because Sirius wasn't going to be doing much of that because he was too busy drowning right now to handle battling anyone.

James realized that The Marauders and Lily were in for a very rough year.


	2. Reflections

A/N: well, I did intend for this chapter to be a bit longer, try five hundred or so words, but since where it ends seems like a good place to end, I guess it'll do. Um…I would really appreciate it if you would read and review, not going to threaten to stop writing it if you don't review though. I understand being to lazy to review. THANKS. Also I don't own any of the characters as of now…Lily's friends don't count yet.

James' alarm clock went off and Sirius had absolutely **no **intention of getting up that is he had no intentions of getting up until James jumped on the bed sending Sirius sprawling to the floor.

James laughed while Sirius gave him dirty looks, "Sirius, it's really too bad that we couldn't fatten you up a bit before start of term." James joked, Sirius was not amused.

Dr. Harrison had made no attempt to claim that Sirius was cured, he just told Sirius to do his best living day-to-day and not looking at tomorrow or yesterday. He also prescribed his young patient with anti-depression medication. James thought that was funny, Sirius didn't.

"Come on Sirius, if we don't hurry up we won't have time for breakfast, and you know how I hate to miss breakfast." James whined.

Sirius rolled his eyes, got up and got dressed, "James could you try to be a bit more gentle when you want me to get out of bed, I could have broken something."

"If me knocking you out of bed is going to break something, then how the hell are you going to survive Quidditch this year? You're a beater."

Sirius groaned, he had completely forgotten about Quidditch, "James, I'm supposed to be avoiding looking at the big picture, aren't I?"

James shrugged as if to say 'whatever' as the walked down the stairs towards the kitchen, "Harrison said that you couldn't look at it, he never said I couldn't point it out to you."

"Good point," Sirius said. He had forgotten that he and James constantly spent time looking for loop holes in the schools rules to get out of trouble, it almost always worked to.

James and Sirius ate breakfast and then Mrs. Potter accompanied them to the Hogwarts express where they met up with Remus and Peter. The boy's weren't expecting to encounter Lily until the train ride had actually started.

They claimed their usual compartment in the back, which was empty because all the older years knew they always sat there, and the younger years were too scared to venture that far away from the prefects.

While James, Remus, and Peter started to plot their start of term prank Sirius stared out the window, he hadn't been in the mood to help with the prank, he had started the thought process of it, but once that had been done he realized that they didn't need him to plan it. Sirius couldn't help but feel that they were trying to include him because they didn't want him to wallow, well either way it wasn't working.

This went on for about an hour when the boys heard an enraged scream in the hallway. Sirius, miraculously, reached the door first and ripped it open. James, Remus, and Peter all behind him as he stuck his head in the hall.

"What the hell was that?" James muttered under his breath sounding utterly confused, "Who could make that kind of noise?"

Sirius looked up, "Lily could."

He looked back at James and they went running down the hall towards where they heard the scream come from. As they rounded the corner they saw Lily on the floor with her two best friends standing on either side of her and facing of Bellatrix, Regulus, Lucius, and Narcissa, who were in the same year as Bellatrix.

Sirius nearly froze in his tracks when he saw them. Before he could stop James to formulate a plan, James yelled, "Oi, what do you think your doing!?"

They looked up and when Bellatrix saw Sirius an evil smirk spread across her face, "Hello Siri-poo, we've missed you over the summer. I heard about your 'mishap' so sorry by the way." She said while advancing on Sirius, who wasn't moving away or about to fight back.

Bellatrix pulled at her wand and was about to point it at Sirius when James stepped in between the two and stuck his own wand in her face, "Leave now," he said in a dangerously low voice.

"Or you'll what?" Narcissa said while Lucius smirked behind her nodding in agreement.

Bellatrix sneered, "Regulus, why don't you do the honors of starting the first fight of the year. It will prove to us that you don't side with you blood-traitor of a brother."

Regulus' head jerked up to look between his cousin, and then more cautiously, his brother, "You know I'm on your side, but as far as our side of the family is concerned Sirius is dead, and any contact with him is going to get me into tremendous trouble. Do you understand Bellatrix?"

"What you don't seem to understand, cousin, is that as long as Sirius lives you cannot take on the role as the head of the Black family." She hissed to him under her breath.

Sirius rolled his eyes and shoved James out of the way, "They aren't idiots _Bella_, they know my parent's want me dead so Regulus can be heir to the 'Blacks Bloody Throne': you think I haven't told them?"

Bellatrix looked appalled that Sirius was talking to her, "I'd rather talk to Potter and Lupin than you any day, at least they didn't betray their own families, right Regulus?"

Regulus smirked and nodded still not acknowledging his brothers presence.

Sirius, however, looked directly at Regulus, "Think of it this way _Reg_, maybe I'm not the traitor, maybe I never betrayed you guys, maybe, just maybe, you betrayed me."

Bellatrix shoved Regulus behind her so that he and Sirius couldn't see each other anymore, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're the one that went against every Black family belief that we've ever followed. Don't go calling us traitors."

Sirius arched an eyebrow, "Doesn't matter what I say to you, you will always think that I betrayed you because you a narrow minded fool who's going to get herself landed in Azkaban."

Bellatrix pointed her wand at him so that it was directly between his eyes, "How do you like that? Now what would be the best way to kill you? Do you have an opinion on that Sirius?"

Sirius looked like he was trying to think, "Um, I don't think you could pull off what I had in mind. You see, I was hoping to die in my sleep, but since I'm not asleep right now, I guess it's a no go. Besides, now's not really a good time in my life for me to die. How 'bout I call you when I'm ready, okay?" he said patting her on the shoulder.

Bellatrix was too shocked to even speak at this point. She just stared at Sirius like he had just grown another head.

James snorted, he had just gotten a glimpse of the old Sirius, his Sirius, "Now," James began, "I think it's time for you to go back to your compartment and leave the lovely miss Evans and her friends alone. Understood?" he said in a tone that left no room for argument, even from Slytherins.

The Slytherins began to walk away grumbling insults and profanities to the girls and the Marauders. Remus helped Lily to her feet, "Why don't you guys move into a compartment closer to ours?"

Lily shook her head, "No, we'll be fine Remus; they just got us by surprise."

Remus shrugged and after the girls had gone back into their compartment the boys headed back to theirs. James and Remus smiling because they had gotten to see a glimpse of the old Sirius, the one who would stand up to his family no matter what.

The boys piled back into their compartment and resumed their planning, well at least James, Remus, and Peter did. Sirius was thinking about what he had just done, he had just placed himself smack on the middle of his family's radar, "Shit." he muttered under his breath, so low that none of his friends could hear him, "I'm so dead."

Sirius was asleep with his face pressed against the window when James shook him awake, "Sirius, c'mon wake up you moron."

Sirius grumbled, "Why is it that every time I fall asleep it is you that seems to take great joy in waking me?"

James blinked confusion showing in his bright hazel eyes, "What's that supposed to… never mind, we're almost there and we still have to change into our robes."

Sirius opened his eyes for the first time during this conversation and peered out the window only to see black sky and the distant twinkling of the lights in the windows at Hogwarts, "Oh, sorry Prongs, didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything."

James snorted and threw Sirius' robes in his face, "Change quickly Padfoot, you were the last one we ever expected to fall asleep on the train, usually your snogging a new girlfriend by now."

Sirius frowned, "I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not sure I want any this year…hey! You haven't changed yet either." He said all of this indignantly.

James frowned and looked down at his attire then looked back up at Sirius, "It seems that you would be right."

Both James and Sirius quickly got dressed, or not, but they did finish in time for Remus to be impressed with their timing since they finished dressing right before the train got to the station.

The four boys clambered out of the train trying not to squish the first years who stared at them in awe. They climbed into the first carriage that they could and slammed the door shut, "Well that was fun." James said sarcastically, breaking the silence.

They started to chuckle as the carriage began to move towards Hogwarts. It wasn't long before they reached the castle and were sitting in the Great Hall waiting for the sorting to start, and end, so that they feast would begin.

Sirius grumbled as the sorting hat finished its song, "Stupid hat, why can't it just shut up for one year and start the damn sorting right off."

"In a hurry for something Padfoot?" Remus asked amusement twinkling in his blue eyes.

"No, I just want my _relatives_," he said putting venom on the words, "to stop giving me the evil eye. I wouldn't put it was them to use the Killing Curse on me right here right now."

James followed Sirius' gaze towards the Slytherin table only to see that Sirius was telling the truth, which didn't surprise James on bit, "Just ignore them Padfoot, it'll be over before you know it."

Sirius grumbled again as the hat finally finished its song only to have Professor McGonagall start calling out the names of the first years.

At Sirius' grumbled profanities James and Remus exploded in laughter causing McGonagall to stop the sorting momentarily to give them death glares that would stop a dragon in mid flight. James and Remus fought to keep in the laughter that was bubbling at the back of their throats. The two boys burst out laughing as McGonagall finished and Dumbledore stood up to make his 'brief' speech.

He looked towards the Marauders, "I'm sure Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin would love to share what they're laughing at with the rest of us, so please boys, do share."

Sirius snickered at his two friends confused faces before Remus said, "It was just something Sirius said sir. Nothing the whole school needs to hear."

Dumbledore smiled and winked at the boys, "Well then, welcome first years. First though Seventh years must remember that the Forbidden Forest is in fact forbidden, no magic in the corridors, no wandering the halls after dark and, Mr. Filch has a list of restricted objects posted outside his office. Now that that's all said, tuck in."

Sirius could have sung with delight at the fact that the feast had finally begun, so that, in his words, it could finally end.

James did notice that his friend barely took a thing to eat, but decided to discuss that matter in private as opposed to in the middle of the great hall. He turned to look at his friends to see Peter stuffing his face, Sirius picking at his food, but mostly just moving it around on his plate, and Remus talking to a first year.

"Hey, Remy," James said loudly to his friend, "who's your new friend?"

Remus pulled out of his conversation, "What James? Oh, this is Brandon Whitley, he's a first year. I was just assuring him that Hogwarts was no where near as scary a place as it may seem. Remus looked at Brendan and smiled, "Brendan, this is my friend James Potter, and my other two friends are Peter Pettigrew," he said pointing at Peter, "and Sirius Black."

Brandon who had been about to say something shut-up immediately and stared at Sirius. After a minute he looked at Remus, "Why're you friends with him?"

Sirius' eye twitched as Remus tried to explain to Brandon about Sirius, James interrupted him, "Maybe because he's a good person? Or, he's not evil? A name doesn't make a person Brandon; you're going to have to learn that in order to make friends here, because prejudice against people doesn't work, especially not for something as miniscule as a name."

Brandon stared at James, "I can't believe a Potter is friends with a Black… that's…that's just not right."

Sirius groaned and slumped forward slamming his head on the table with a hollow thunk, on the table's part.

James patted him on the shoulder sympathetically as Dumbledore finished off dinner and Remus got up to help the first years find their dorms. James, Sirius, and Peter got up and slowly followed at the back of the group of Gryffindor's, James and Sirius already coming up with ways to get back at that little Brandon twit.

When they reached their dorm Sirius flopped down on his bed, "Yes, home at last!"

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes while James threw a pillow at Sirius, "What, my house isn't good enough for you, your Highness?"

"Your house is quite fine thank you." as an after though he added, "and that's Supreme Master of the Universe thank you." He was bombarded with more pillows from all three of his friends this time, "Do you guys have a problem admitting that I am in fact the Supreme Master of the Universe?"

"Yes!" James, Remus, and Peter all said together.

Sirius shrugged, "Well suit yourself, just remember that admittance is the first step to recovery. The only way you can ever come to terms with this fact is if you admit that it's true."

James and Remus snorted, "Did you learn that in therapy Siri-poo?" James asked teasingly

Sirius shrugged, but before he could answer Peter said, "I though that Sirius was in therapy because he couldn't come to terms with his suicide and he couldn't admit that his family hates him."

Sirius was done being in a good mood now, "I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed. Busy day tomorrow and all." With that he went into the bathroom and shut the door, he couldn't lock it because, under request from Mrs. Potter, Dumbledore had taken the locks off of their bathroom door so that Sirius couldn't try anything.

Once Sirius was gone it was Peter's turn to be pummeled by pillows, "Hey," he cried out indignantly, "what was that for!?"

"For being an ass." Was James' response

Remus decided to give him more to go on, "Pete, next time Sirius is in a good mood, don't ruin it by saying things about therapy or his family, okay?"

Peter nodded obviously not getting it, but deciding to let it go for now. He walked over to his trunk and pulled out his pajamas, changing he crawled into bed, said goodnight and then closed the hangings.

James and Remus shrugged to each other and got ready for bed too.

James lay in bed waiting for the bathroom door to open and Sirius to climb into bed. He heard the bathroom door open, but Sirius didn't go to bed. He grabbed his jacket and shoes, and went out the bedroom door. James sighed debating whether or not to follow him when Remus spoke up, "You think we should follow him?"

James sighed resigned, "Let's just look on the map to see where he's gone and make sure he didn't go to do something incredibly stupid."

Remus nodded then realized that James couldn't see him, "Sounds like a plan." He opened his hangings and pulled the map out of his trunk. He then tapped it with his wand while whispering, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

Ink spread across the blank parchment forming the halls of the castle and placing dots and names where everyone was. James and Remus scanned the map until they found who they were looking for.

James and Remus spotted Sirius dot out by the lake, next to the tree that they always sat under when the weather permitted it. James had been hoping that Sirius would have stayed inside because a summer shower had started during dinner and it was still pouring. He sighed, chances were that if Sirius was sitting out in the rain it was because he was crying and didn't want anyone to see or hear him.

Remus looked at James, "Should we go get him, it's your call."

"No, leave him; we shouldn't hover over him to much. Let's just say that if one of us wakes up or something in an hour or so, we check to see if he's still out there, alright?"

Remus nodded, "Deal." With that agreement made both boys climbed back into bed and closed their hangings.

Sirius sat under that tree staring at the black surface of the lake as the rain hit it leaving millions of ripples that collided with on another. He couldn't help but think of how it resembled his life. It had started out so perfectly smooth, he had never had to worry about being in trouble as long as he had done what his parents had said, then the first raindrop had hit the surface, that raindrop had been him befriending James Potter. Then he had been hit with a torrential downpour of raindrops, from being sorted into Gryffindor, to befriending a muggle born and a werewolf. Now he had so many raindrop hitting his surface that he couldn't tell which ones had the biggest set of ripples and which ones barely had any because they kept colliding.

He did know that the ripples from his friends and his sorting hadn't quite hit the banks yet, and he knew that the ripples from his family drama that summer had barely even spread. Only time would tell how big those ripples would get.

Sirius looked at his watch, it read one in the morning, he wasn't tired and he certainly wasn't ready to get out of the rain. He looked back up and watched as lightning struck somewhere in the distance and couldn't help but wonder how close it would get before the lightning struck near Hogwarts, or near him.

He looked up at the castle, not a single window lit up colorfully, in the darkness the castle looked about as warm as Grimauld place did. But no amount of light could make his childhood home look comforting or warm, at least with the windows lit up Hogwarts was a welcoming place, not intimidating at all.

He looked back at the lake and realized that the lightning had gotten closer. Sirius winced as it hit a nearby tree, sending bark flying in all directions as the tree exploded internally.

The young boy couldn't help but think that he knew how the tree felt, it went hand in hand with the ripples in the lake, he was bottling up so many emotions, even with his therapist help, he felt like he would just explode from the pressure.

Sirius got off the wet ground and walked over to the tree. The embers were still hot where the lightning had directly struck it. Sirius sighed; this tree was still alive; it still had a second chance at life. He was trying so hard to get his second chance, but it was so far away from him that he couldn't even see it in the horizon.

He took his hand off the tree and headed back up past the willow tree and towards the castle. He would be leaving footprints all the way up to his house, but it didn't matter if Filch caught him or not. He doubted that he would be caught though, secret passages were the greatest invention as far as he was concerned, well, the greatest invention next to the invention the Marauder's Map. As far as the boys were concerned, there was nothing better than the map.

Sirius reached the portrait of the fat lady, who grumbled when he woke her up, then tiredly climbed up the steps and flopped into bed still soaking wet. He didn't bother to close his hangings and fell asleep right away while praying that he didn't dream about his family.


	3. Admittance Means Hunger

**Authors Note- Sorry it took me so long to get this up, I've just been very busy and very tired. I'll try to get another one up before Thanksgiving, but I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. This would have been up last Monday, the 5th, but I went to a Maroon 5 concert instead, so sorry. **

**By the way, I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS THAT YOU RECOGNIZE!!! I may not even own some of the ones you don't recognize.**

* * *

_Sirius reached the portrait of the fat lady, who grumbled when he woke her up, then tiredly climbed up the steps and flopped into bed still soaking wet. He didn't bother to close his hangings and fell asleep right away while praying that he didn't dream about his family. _

Sirius woke up the next morning to have his friends staring at him, well James and Remus, Peter had gone to breakfast. He grumbled and rolled over in hopes of getting more sleep, that's when the boy caught sight of the clock and realized that if he didn't get up and get dressed, he would be late for his first day of classes.

He sat up and realized that now not only was he wet, but his bed was soaking wet to. Sirius sighed, he really should have put on dry clothes last night because chances were that he was going to get sick now and it was only the first day of the school year. Sirius looked up as James cleared his throat.

"What?" he asked staring at his friend.

"Why are you soaking wet?"

"I was out in the rain," he said trying to look as if he wasn't completely confused

"Why?" James persisted.

"…because I needed some fresh air and a place to think."

"Why not go to the Astronomy Tower then, at least you wouldn't be soaking wet." Remus suggested out of the blue.

Sirius stared at him like he was insane, "I don't think that's the best place for me to go when I need to think about things that depress me."

Remus and James both took on pondering looks while trying to figure out what that meant, Sirius didn't think it should be that hard considering that that was the second time he had tried to kill himself. He watched as comprehension spread across James and Remus' faces, "How long were you two up waiting for me?" he asked with an irritated sigh.

"We were awake until we knew you were asleep." James said sounding slightly embarrassed.

Sirius rolled his eyes as he got up and pulled some dry clothes out of his trunk, "Thank you so much for your trust and vote of confidence in my ability to keep myself alive while you sleep."

"It's not like that Sirius. It's just that-" Sirius cut Remus off

"Its fine, I don't care what you guys do; just don't blame me when you fall asleep in class. And just so you know, I can't get over it completely until you guys do." Sirius may have sounded harsh to his friends, but he had to much on his mind right now to worry about their feelings and he didn't need them to baby him and treat him like a little kid who might just go on a rampage with a butter knife.

He got ready for class and went down to the Great Hall just in time to get his schedule and head to his first class, which was Transfiguration, luckily for him all of his friends were in it, surprisingly that included Peter, who had never really been good with magic.

Sirius made it to class on time and sat down in-between James and Lily, because he acted as the wall between them so that Lily wouldn't yell at James and James wouldn't hit on Lily, he was a bit of a buffer for the two. If one wanted him to say something to the other and Sirius thought it inappropriate he would edit it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings.

He looked over at Lily who smiled at him, he smiled back and started to say something when McGonagall came in and he shut his mouth.

She turned her back to start the chalk writing upon the word, and then turned around again to face the class while the chalk continued and she smiled at them, not a real smile, it never reached her eyes, but it was a friendly smile non-the less.

Sirius watched as she surveyed her class for a minute before her eyes rested upon him. He knew right off that McGonagall could tell that he was thin, and had been mistreated for the first time in her time teaching him. He knew that Dumbledore had told the other teachers to watch out for any signs that he might go off of the deep-end again, and he also knew that none of them had suspected physical abuse from his parents.

He personally didn't see why though, they were dark wizards after all, but he knew that if he didn't want people to know something, then they didn't know, and he hadn't wanted anyone to know that his parents hit him, so no one had. Well at least no one had until he showed up on the Potter's doorstep bleeding and bruised.

Sirius didn't like people to know about his problems, they were his emotional baggage and he could deal with them himself, even if that meant suffering through the pain and torture of it all. He didn't need the looks of pity that people would give him, he didn't want the sympathy, and none of them could say that they had empathy because the only others who had parent's like his at this school were the pure bloods and they did everything that their manic parents told them to do, so that was a no-go.

His grey eyes connected with McGonagall's brown ones and he just gave her a level look which balanced her pitying look. Sirius could tell that she was looking him over just to see how thin and injured he was, but the school robes covered most of it up, and besides his were baggy thanks to Mrs. Potter who had decided that Sirius would need some room to grow because he would be gaining back the weight that he had lost over the summer.

So the first day of school went by incredibly slow for Sirius, he didn't go to lunch, he wasn't hungry and he was sick of everyone staring at him, and he was skipping dinner now.

Sirius was sitting in his dorm by himself when Lily walked in so quietly that he didn't even hear her or know that she was there until she grabbed his shoulder and he jumped and almost fell out of the window sill that he was sitting in.

Lily jumped to help him up, "I'm so sorry Sirius! I didn't mean to startle you."

Sirius shook his head, "It's alright Lily." He paused for a minute, "Lily, did you need something?"

"No, I just wanted to know why you weren't down at dinner."

Sirius shrugged, "Just not hungry I guess."

"Sirius," she began desperately, "you have to eat, you so thin that you'll starve to death. I'm worried about you."

"Well don't, I don't need anyone to worry about me. I've worried about myself my entire life; I don't need someone else to start for me now."

Lily looked hurt at first, then anger spread across her face and she yelled, "Sirius, we love you, we're your friends! I know that you're going through some stuff right now, but we do love you, well I know that James and I love you, I can't speak for Remus and Peter, although I'm sure that they love you too, the point is," Lily said pulling herself away from her deviation of the original conversation, "that we love you, so why can't you love us too."

Sirius shook his head and turned his back to her. Lily had all the love in the world, James loved her, her parent's loved her, the only person who Lily wanted love from that she couldn't get it from was her sister, Petunia, who Sirius would bet his identity really did love Lily and she was just jealous. Sirius couldn't love his friend because he wasn't ready to love again, and he didn't know how.

He stared at her while she spoke again, "How much is it for us to ask you to love us like we love you?" she had tears in her eyes as she spoke.

"I can't Lily, I don't know how, and I'm not ready."

Lily looked livid as he said this and responded in a strained and shrill voice, "What do you mean you don't know how, and you're not ready? Love is something that just comes to you, you don't learn to love!"

Sirius stood his ground and prepared to respond, "Lily, the last people I loved betrayed me, the first people I loved actually, so it's harder to love, because love comes with trust. Right now I'm just numb, everything is numb and I'm just going through the motions." Sirius paused for a moment waiting to see that Lily was listening to him, when he knew she was he continued, "People like me, who have been through things like I've been through, well, we have to learn to love. Some people just have to learn to love."

Lily turned her back to Sirius and struggled not to cry. He heard her sniffing and walked to her and wrapped his arms around her, "That's really sad, you can't trust, so you can't love?"

Sirius placed his chin on top of her head and spoke again, "It's hard to heal after you go so long thinking that someone loves you only to do one thing that they don't like and to find out they never really did. You end up so desperate to think that they love you that you delude yourself into actually believing it, and then they leave you out in the cold, and it could be the hottest day of the year in the Sahara desert and all you really want to do is throw on a heavy jacket in hopes that the numbness will come, and you wait for it because you know you won't get the warmth anytime soon, but it doesn't work, and for a while your left just broken and cold waiting to be numb."

Lily still had tears running down her cheeks, but she was able to speak clearly and calmly, "That's really sad, and poetic. Is that really how you feel, cold?"

Sirius nodded as tears started to fall down his cheeks and into Lily's hair, "I've been cold for so long, it feels like my heart is frozen and there are days when I feel like it will never thaw and I'll never have anyone that cares about me. Most of the time it's just you guys that keep me going and sometimes not even that and I just want to die."

Lily nodded and didn't say anything, mostly because she didn't know what to say to that. To Lily it was incomprehensible that someone could want to die or feel cold, the way that Sirius described it, permanently. Lily sniffed and finally spoke, "Why would you ever want to die and leave us?"

Sirius sighed and took in a deep, shuddering breath, "Because sometimes the coldness and the lack of warmth is to much, and I get tired of feeling frozen inside. The truth really is that hatred will eventually kill you, that's why I try not to hate my family, because they are what they are and I shouldn't try to change them, just like they shouldn't have tried to change me." He paused and wiped the tears from his eyes, "I guess that one backfired on them, huh?"

Lily chuckled, "Yeah, but I'm glad that it did, other words we wouldn't have the wonderful Sirius that we do have. We'd have a sadistic bastard."

Sirius blinked, "Good to know what you would have thought of me if I had stayed on the path that my parents had set for me."

"So," Lily started awkwardly, "what were you thinking about before I showed up?"

Sirius turned Lily to face him before answering, "I was just thinking about life in general, and how it's such a fragile thing, like a flower, wow that sounded girly, but that's what it's like. I mean just one person stepping on it could end it."

Lily wrapped her arms around Sirius think waist, "Yeah, but sometimes those flowers are stronger than people think, and they get trampled and just keep on reaching for the sky because they know that they can make it no matter how stomped on they are, and I think that those are the most wonderfully beautiful ones because they never gave up."

Sirius smirked, "I think that some flowers are planted in the wrong garden, because there is one thing that I know for sure, and it's that lilies are not meant to be placed in the same garden as petunias."

Lily chuckled, "Well Sirius, you are a red rose in a garden of black thorns and I thank god that you had your own thorns to fight your way out."

Sirius smiled bitterly, "Yeah, but I'm left with emotionally and physical scars that will leave me bitter for the rest of my life. I think that we're only truly ourselves when we're born, because other peoples influences us from then on and as we meet knew people we gain a little more of them and lose a little of ourselves, I just wish I knew what I had gained from my family, if anything at all."

"I don't know you family personally, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to, so I couldn't tell you, but I'll bet if there is ever an exception to your theory then I'll bet it's you."

Sirius smiled at Lily, "You know James would have a heart attack if he saw me hugging you?"

Lily smiled, "Let him see, he only wants me because he thinks I'm pretty, I'd be like a trophy to him."

Sirius shook his head, "And I'm the Queen of Sheba. He likes you because he thinks your pretty, smart, kind, gentle, and generally the most wonderful girl that he has ever met; you should give him a chance Lily. You won't ever meet a better guy than James Potter."

Lily looked sad, "What about you Sirius, do you think that you could ever like me like that?"

Sirius shook his head; they had been over this before so many times. He and Lily just weren't' compatible, besides he knew that after one date with James she would forget any idea about being in love with him. Sirius took in a deep breath, "Lily, you don't want me, and besides, I'm not ready to be in any form of romantic relationship right now."

Lily sighed into his chest, "I'll wait; I'll wait forever. James will understand, I know he will, he just want me to be happy."

Sirius shook his head, he wasn't ready for any kind of love right now and Lily was offering way more than he could handle. Besides if he took Lily then he would lose James and there was no way that Sirius could choose between James and Lily. He needed James, he owed James his life at this point, "Lily I can't do that to James, he's my best friend, and I'm not right for you. You have so much love to give, and all I can do is take and take and take from you. Please don't try to place me with the guilt that that would leave me with."

Lily just hugged him tighter, "I just feel like if I don't let you know how much I love you I'll lose you forever."

Sirius sighed trying to keep tears at bay once again, "I promise Lily, I'm not going anywhere, the only way that you'd lose me forever would be if I succeeded, and I'm getting help. I promise that I will always be there when you need me, no matter what time of day, or where I am, okay? But I don't want you telling me that you want me instead of James because you think it will keep me alive, especially since I can see the way that you look at that boy."

Lily smiled up at him, "Thank you."

Sirius looked puzzled, "For what?"

"For being here for me and being honest instead of cushioning what I need to hear and thank you for telling me what I didn't want to admit to myself. It's hard for me to admit that I do like James after so many years of having him chasing me and me saying no to him, I think I need someone to say out loud what I've been thinking all summer, but please don't tell James to ask me out or anything, I like getting to know him as a friend right now."

"Can I at least tell him not to give up on you quite yet?"

Lily smiled, "Yeah you can, I have to go before I miss out on all of dinner and starve for the night. You want me to bring you anything?"

He shook his head and watched her leave; then Sirius returned to his position in the window. He stared down at the ground and felt the urge to just lean forward and go out, but he didn't, he couldn't now. He had killed any hope of ending his own life when he had promised Lily that he would always be there for her.

Sirius leaned his head against the wall; promises weren't worth anything, especially not his. Every promise he had ever made he had broken, he had promised Regulus the exact same thing that he had just promised Lily, he had promised his parents that he would be a good son, a good heir, Sirius had promised that he would get into Slytherin, never be friends with a muggle-born or a blood traitor, he had promised Mrs. Potter that he would be good and try not to get hurt, and instead he had walked in and automatically gotten in a fight with his mother. Sirius sat in the window and as he went over every promise that he had ever made he came to realize that he hadn't kept one of them.

He felt a tear make it's way down his cheek blazing the trail for many more, he had promised James and Remus that he wouldn't try to kill himself again, he had promised Dumbledore that he would give his parents another chance, he had promised Andromeda that he wouldn't be like her and deviate away from the families path, and here he was sitting in Gryffindor tower, disowned, and realizing that every promise he had ever made had been broken and feeling like the worst person in the history of the universe.

Sirius leaned forward and placed his head in his hands trying to control his sobs and failing, he didn't want James and Remus see him crying; he could personally care less about Peter. Sirius wanted so bad to stop hurting, and stop crying before James and Remus got back from dinner, he wished that he could be the person he used to be before this summer.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there sobbing when he heard the door open. Then he felt someone grab his shoulder and he knew that it was James.

He shook Sirius to see if he was alright, "Sirius, are you alright?"

Sirius shook his head not taking it out of his hands and still sobbing. James grabbed him in a hug, "You know it will all turn out okay, right?

Sirius shook his head, "James I'm a terrible person."

James looked down at his friend confused, "What do you mean, why are you such a terrible person?"

Sirius pulled away from his friend and looked up at him, "I've broken every promise that I've ever made James. God, James, I don't know how much more of this I can take. The more I go over my life the worse I feel and I don't know when it's going to get better. I don't know if it ever will get better."

James chuckled, "It will get better; now what brought up the promises."

Sirius frowned, "Lily, I made a promise to Lily and it was the exact same promise I made to my brother when we were younger. I promised that I would always be there, and the first chance I got I abandoned him and I'm afraid that I'll break the same promise to different people twice."

James smiled, "You won't break the promise because you aren't going anywhere anytime soon. When were you talking to Lily?"

"Earlier. James, don't give up on her yet, let her get to know the James Potter that I know, just don't make her think of you as a brother."

James nodded, "Is that a hint at something?"

"Yes, it is. Just promise you won't give up on loving Lily just yet."

James nodded, "I promise. Now stop being such a cry baby."

Sirius punched James in the shoulder playfully, "You know for a brother you're a bit of a jerk."

James shrugged and ran a hand through his already messy hair, "Well technically I'm your older brother so I get the right to be a jerk."

Sirius heavy sighed, "It sucks being the youngest." He said to James teasingly.

James laughed and wrapped his arm around Sirius' shoulder, "C'mon Pads, cheer up. It's quidditch tomorrow."

Sirius winced, "That's gonna hurt."

James laughed, "Well if you had been putting on some of that weight that we've been telling you that you need to gain then it wouldn't be that bad, but yeah, you're right it is going to hurt because we need a new beater, a new seeker, and a new keeper. We lost almost half of our team at the end of last year."

Sirius nodded, "We're going to a lot of practice time crammed in on weekends and weekdays. I am going to be so bruised." Sirius groaned, "I hate training new beaters. Most of them don't have the uncontrolled rage thing going for them."

James looked over at Sirius who was smiling, "Pads, I think that you're the only one that does have the uncontrollable rage thing going for them."

"You're probably right about that one Prongs. We should get to bed, shouldn't we? So we aren't exhausted tomorrow."

James nodded, "I'm going to take a quick shower first and make sure that all of my class work is done. Is all of yours done?"

"Yeah, I did most of it at lunch and finished it while you guys were at dinner." Sirius yawned and stretched his arms over his head while moving towards his trunk to get out his nightclothes.

James headed in the opposite direction towards the bathroom, "Do you mind if I'm bitter about our lack of a lock on the bathroom door?"

Sirius shook his head while pulling his pants on, "I'd actually expect it of you guys. I don't see why you all have to be punished for 'mother's' paranoia."

He pulled of his shirt and James winced at the scars and fading cuts and bruises on his back, not to mention how thin Sirius had come. James couldn't help but feel pity and sympathy for his friend, which he knew Sirius didn't want or need, he had overcome most of his family's oppressive ways, now he just needed to get over the ideas that he was worthless and needed to die.

"Sirius, you need to gain wait if you want to avoid death this quidditch season."

Sirius looked down and winced at how thin he was and nodded at James in agreement, "I guess I have been skipping a lot of meals lately."

"That's a mild understatement Pads, you've been skipping a lot of meals for a while." James watched as Sirius looked up at him with a big stupid grin on his face, James had no idea why, "What's the grin for?"

"Suddenly I've never been more hungry in all of my life, well maybe not all of my life, but suddenly I've never been more hungry recently than I am now." in order to prove his point Sirius stomach growled loud enough for James to hear across the room. Sirius frowned down at it, "Traitor," he mumbled down at it.

James snorted trying to hold back his laughter, "Forget the shower, I think we had better get some food in your stomach before it comes back with a vengeance to bite us in the ass by growling all night."

Sirius let out is trade mark bark like laugh at what James had said, "I guess your right, we wouldn't want to hear my stomach basically screaming 'feed me' all night, would we?"

James shook his head and walked over to Sirius and hooked his arm around his friends shoulder. He then grabbed his invisibility cloak off of the end of his bed and threw it over them, "C'mon, let's go to the kitchen and get a late night snack."

They snuck out of the portrait hole, sure that they had left people sitting in their thinking that they had gone insane for hearing the portrait hole open on it's own, and headed down to the kitchen.

They reached the picture and tickled the pear to enter. Once James and Sirius were safely inside they were attacked be hordes of house elves beginning to feed them. Needless to say James and Sirius ate until they couldn't eat anymore, then went back up to the dorm, and them they went to bed. Both were excited for the events of the day to follow, Quidditch try-outs.


	4. Bed Wetting Piss Buckets

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I've just had a lot going on and I can tell you that writting this chapter has been feeding into my procrastination issue on writing my Junior Research Paper for English. Anyways, I have a request, I need names for the quidditch team and basic personalities, I've already got three players counting James and Sirius, and then there's Katherine, but otherwise I'm at a loss. Thanks!

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter the guy that played young Tom Riddle in the second movie would have been scarier looking.

* * *

Sirius groaned as he was bounced off his bed and onto the cold stone floor the next morning. He looked up at the perpetrators with a mutinous glare on his face. Then he honed in on James, "Don't expect any mercy from me today." 

James grinned as if to say that he never expected mercy from Sirius and that he could take what ever Sirius had to dish out. He was about to open his mouth to actually say it when simultaneously their bedroom door burst open and Peter woke up and nearly jumped in James' arms from fear. 

"What the hell!" Remus yelled getting everyone in the room's attention because he was never the one to curse. He turned to stare at the person who had come and nearly sent their bedroom door of it's hinges, all he saw was Brandon and a group of first years, "You four do realize that there are locks on the doors here for a reason and that we already lack one on our bathroom door so we take the one on our bedroom door all the more seriously, don't you?" 

The other three Marauders peered towards the door and nodded to back Remus up while he spoke again without waiting for the first years to respond, "What is it that you four need, and don't even think of trying to pull a prank on us." He added seeing their familiar mischievous looks of excitement, looks that were very similar to ones that James and Sirius still wore often. 

Sirius pushed himself up off of the floor before James could attempt to kill him again and walked to the end of his bed towards his trunk, pointedly ignoring the first years he said to James, "What time do try-outs start?"

James looked at his watch, "In a half hour, why?" 

Sirius frowned and looked down to his stomach, "I'm hungry again." He said as if it was the simplest thing on the face of the earth and James was an idiot for not knowing it.

James just shrugged, "Sorry mate, why don't you run down and grab some breakfast and I'll meet you down there, okay?" 

Sirius nodded and blasted past the first years knocking most of them over. A short while later James, Remus, and Peter followed. When they were about to leave the tower McGonagall asked to speak with James for a moment. 

He followed her to her office after telling Remus and Peter to go meet Sirius, "What do you need professor?" James asked curiously from the other side of her desk. 

"Is Sirius going to play quidditch this year?" she asked apprehensively

James nodded confused and unsure why she was asking this he decided it was best to just nod, nods could never be misinterpreted. 

McGonagall did not disappoint and continued to speak, "I don't think it's safe for him to play until he's gained some more weight is all." 

James understood her concern but took his friends side, "He'd be _crushed_ if I didn't let him help break in the new players." 

McGonagall mumbled something and James looked at her, "Excuse me professor?" 

She cleared her throat, "I said that's what I'm worried about." 

James snorted, "Professor, he's the best beater we've got in this school, he'll be fine." 

McGonagall shook her head, "I don't think your mother or his therapist would approve of it."

"I know mother doesn't agree, but the therapist said it would be good for him, said it would help him….express some of his anger towards his parents in a healthy and moderately safe way." James paused for a moment thinking of something else to add, "He also thinks that Sirius tried to kill himself because he was mad at his parent's and couldn't think of any other ways to get it out, he also thinks that Sirius is mad at himself for regretting ever going against his parents and becoming his own person."

McGonagall blinked several times before speaking again, "I'm just not certain this will help him veer off of his self destructive path, but if you insist, then I'll allow it, but remember James, he is your responsibility." 

James nodded and then ran out of the office and straight to the quidditch pitch skipping breakfast altogether. He knew that he would have to tell Sirius about the conversation with McGonagall, but he wanted to figure out how to do it first.

James reached the locker rooms and walked in, most of the team was already assembled and they all looked up as he walked in, there was silence for a moment before one of the girls spoke, "Where's Sirius, James?"

James looked up, "He's eating breakfast, and he should be here in-" James was cut off as he heard Sirius' voice yelling from behind him. 

Sirius had watched James go running past the Great Hall where he had been told to wait, so it was needless to say that he had been angry. The gray eyed boy had gotten up and followed his friend down to the quidditch pitch where he had lost track of him. 

Sirius assumed that James had gone to the locker rooms, so on his way towards them to give James a warning Sirius had yelled, "James Potter! You bed wetting, piss bucket!" 

Sirius stopped short upon entering to the entire returning quidditch team and the bright red blush on James face at the insult.

James turned to him, "I'm sorry Sirius, what was that? Would you like to repeat it for everyone to hear?" 

Sirius nodded and replied, "I said, 'James Potter! You bed wetting, piss bucket!' happy James?" 

James tried not to laugh at the insult, "Yes, exceedingly. I love being insulted by not only my team mate, but my best friend. Does anyone else agree with Sirius on his belief that I am a 'bed wetting, piss bucket'?" 

The entire team snorted with laughter at that, Sirius just looked around at his teammates and James, he couldn't remember the last time he had laughed at anything, even if he found something funny, like he did right now, he just didn't laugh genuinely, James knew that.

After several awkward seconds where Sirius stared at James, who was laughing, he cleared his throat and gave James a look that said everything. 

James clapped his hands, "We should get onto the pitch and start quidditch try-outs. Who's ready to break in some hopefuls?" he asked cheerfully leading his team out onto the pitch.

They walked out onto the pitch chatting animatedly before coming to a halt before all of the people who wanted to try out. James smiled encouragingly at them then began to speak, "I'm James Potter, Quidditch Captain, and I'm sorry to inform you all that we will only be able to take on three new team members. It's fair play though and the best man, or woman, wins. We need a beater, a seeker and a keeper." James took in a breathe before continuing to speak, "So you'll all be tested in several things, seekers will be tested in speed, agility, and the ability to actually catch the snitch, keepers will be tested in speed, agility, and the ability to keep the ball from going through the hoop, and beaters will be tested on their ability to keep team mates safe, and the strength of their hitting. So is everyone ready to get started?"

A cheer rose from the students standing around James and the rest of the quidditch team before James could shush them to speak again. When he held up his hand silence reigned over the field and James spoke again.

"Okay, now anyone who wants to be a beater form a line behind Sirius," He said this while pointing to Sirius who waved his victims over, "and anyone who wants to be a keeper stand over off to the side, because I'll be helping with your try-outs, and seekers go stand behind Katherine," he pointed to a blonde haired girl with brown eyes and a ponytail. 

"Now, don't expect us to go easy on you, because the other teams won't we want the best and al we're going to take is the best. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just how it's going to work. We need the best if we want to keep the Quidditch Cup out of the hands of the Slytherins. And I can tell you now that if you make the team, in the game against Slytherin you might want to stay as far away from Sirius as possible."

Sirius turned to glare at James, "I resent that remark!" he cried out indignantly.

James shrugged, "I know, and I don't care."

Sirius jabbed his finger into James' shoulder, "You're on my list Potter."

James shrugged, "That's nothing new, considering that you already promised me no mercy from you today." Sirius blinked, "You'd forgotten, hadn't you?"

Sirius nodded, "But now that you've reminded me, no mercy! No prisoners!" he stood there thinking for a moment then said, "James' that should be our team motto."

James shrugged, "Sure, why the hell not. The other teams think that we're insane anyways. It certainly can't hurt us."

Sirius flopped onto the bench in the locker room exhausted, "I don't understand how beater hopefuls can have such atrocious aim!" he yelled rubbing his shoulder. 

Katherine glanced over at him, "Is that shoulder going to be alright Sirius?"

He nodded, "It should be, although I think it may have come part way out of the socket."

"How does it come part way out of the socket?" one of the other boys on the team asked curiously.

"It's not pretty, trust me." He stood up and walked over to a locker and hooked his arm to the door then yanked. James winced at the disgusting popping noise it made as Sirius wrenched his shoulder completely out of its socket. 

He held it up with his other arm as he walked to a wall and slammed his arm into it and with another sickening pop, his shoulder was back into place, "God that hurts, if we could get that kid some target practice, he could be a great beater."

James looked up from the roster, "You think that you could impart your wisdom upon whichever 'kid' you talking about?"

"Does Snivelly have greasy hair?"

James nodded, trying not to laugh, "Point taken. So then it's decided, these are our new team members?" 

The team nodded, "Alright then," James began, "I'll post the list tomorrow." 


	5. Ravenous Rumpus

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I would tell Daniel Radcliffe that his neck is to bulgy and that muscles just don't work on some people, so obviously since his self-esteem is still intact I don't own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: I honestly have no idea why I wasted an entire paragraph, maybe more yammering on about handwriting when it is completely invalid to the story, my only excuse is that I was distracted by Greenday.**

_James nodded, trying not to laugh, "Point taken. So then it's decided, these are our new team members?" _

_The team nodded, "Alright then," James began, "I'll post the list tomorrow." _

James posted the list of their teams new members after everyone had gone to bed that night, he didn't like doing it while everyone was up because he always felt guilty about the sad looks on the kids faces that didn't make it. Sirius would tell him that he was hopeless, but James didn't care. He stared at the roster, which read:

_Keeper- Ashlee Russell_

_Seeker- Jules Eden-Martin_

_Beater- Harlow Braxton_

At the top it said Gryffindor Quidditch Team and Practice Schedule in big flourishing letters that James had had Remus write because he wasn't extremely good at the fancy writing. If he had thought Sirius would do it James would have asked him, solely on the basis that Sirius' natural handwriting was flourishing, flashy, and considerably girly. As a matter of fact, James and Remus knew several girls who were jealous of Sirius' handwriting, Lily was one of them. James was still staring at the parchment when Remus came down and startled him.

"Jeez Remus, you scared the shit out of me!" James yelled clutching his chest.

Remus blinked seeming to put his mind back on track, "Sorry James, what are you doing down here staring at the Quidditch roster?"

"Honestly, I was just thinking about how there are girls jealous of Sirius' handwriting, is that weird?" he inquired turning to look at his friend

"Is what weird, the fact that you were thinking about it, or the fact that it's true?" Remus said examining the parchment.

James thought for a moment, "Both."

Remus nodded, "Yes." He stated simply and began to walk up the stairs to their dorm room ignoring James' yelled question of what Remus had meant by 'yes' and that a simple 'yes' was not a sufficient answer to his question.

James grumbled some choice curses before going to sit in front of the fireplace to read some. That plan was destroyed the moment Sirius came bounding down the stairs like a train plowing through…well, James didn't know what it was like at that precise moment because he was too distracted by the horrible racket his friend was making. James tried to yell over Sirius, but his voice wasn't loud enough, so in the end he just tackled the other boy to the ground, covered Sirius' mouth with his hand and hissed, "What is going on?"

Sirius tried to speak but his words were muffled by James' hand so he settled with licking the bespectacled boys hand in order to get it off.

"Gross!" James yelled wiping his hand on his friends shirt, "That's disgusting, what are you?! Five?"

Sirius shrugged, "It got you to move you hand, didn't it?"

James blinked, then opened his mouth to respond but thought better of it and decided to just ignore the entire situation, "Why were you making so much noise?"

"Peter was singing in the shower again." Sirius said absent mindedly, "It's not that I would care if the kid was a decent singer, it's just…he was giving me a headache…and….."

James arched and eyebrow in suspicion, "…and what?"

Sirius sighed in embarrassment, "I'm hungry."

"Making that kind of noise will not get you into the kitchens, I hope you know that."

Sirius grinned evilly, "No, but it got you to put down you book."

"And what, has my reading got anything to do with your gnawing hunger?"

Sirius shrugged, "Nothing really, I just didn't want to go to the kitchen alone and I figured that seeing as you are my best friend, and the reason I'm still alive, you'd go with me."

James blinked and realized that it was useless at this point; he was not going to get any reading in, so he might as well go join Sirius in his quest for food. He also knew that his mother would be extremely pleased by the fact that Sirius was eating like he normally did again, which basically meant that over winter holidays the Potter's would be eaten out of house and home.

James and Sirius woke up the next morning to Remus yelling at Peter about leaving a paper until last minute then asking him for help. The brunette was then pummeled by the other two with pillows.

"Oi! What's the matter with you two?" He yelled pulling feathers out of his hair, and then he added on in a mumble, "Although this is normal behavior."

Sirius shrugged, "We didn't go to sleep until really late last night." he said absently

"Why?" Remus asked, not sure he truly wanted an answer

"We were having some hot man-on-man action," James said sarcastically

"Maybe next time James and I'll let you join in."

Remus arched an eyebrow knowing that they were joking he rolled his eyes then motioned for Peter to follow him, "C'mon Peter, if we work hard and keep the distractions to a minimum then maybe we can finish in time for lunch. James, Sirius, stay out of trouble.

"We don't know what you're talking about, do we Sirius?"

"No James, we're perfect little angels, we never do anything wrong."

Remus' eyebrows nearly went into his hair on that one, "Right, and Peter's the Tooth Fairy and I'm Santa Clause."

Sirius blinked, "Well at this point in my life I have no use for Peter then, but Remus since you Santa Clause, all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."

Remus rolled his eyes and walked out the door with Peter trailing after him.

"What'd I say?" Sirius asked with false confusion.

James shrugged, "Beats the hell out of me, let's go bother Snape."

"Alright, but can we get something to eat first, I'm famished."

James rolled his eyes, "Lately all you are is hungry, when do you think this is going to end?"

"Never, I've always been always hungry…that was an awkward sentence."

"So it wasn't just me that thought that."

"Nope…what were we going to do again?"

James blinked, "Um….bother Snape after we ate…eat?"

Sirius shrugged, "I'm to hungry to care about your grammar issues."

"I have no issues with my Grandma, I love her." James said slightly affronted

Sirius stopped moving and stood still for a moment trying to think of when James' Grandmother had come into this conversation. He reviewed it in his head, decided that James had confused Grammar with Grandma, and then Sirius hoped to god he was joking.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"We've been over this; I'm not your evil twin here to steal your name!"

"No, I meant about the grammar thing."

"Oh, no I'm not. What kind of moron do you think I am?"

"The best kind" Sirius said with a smile on his face. James rolled his eyes once again and started to get dressed. Sirius, who was already half dressed walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his hair.

Once both boys were done getting dressed they began to walk down to the Great Hall for breakfast, assuming that they hadn't already missed it because neither one of them had bothered to look at their watch.

The entire way there they were scheming ways to humiliate Snape and neither James, nor Sirius noticed the person shadowing them trying to here what they were planning to do, of course both boys were quite capable of speaking in whispers when the so desired so that they wouldn't be ratted out by someone overhearing them.

They made it to the Great Hall without incident and sat down with Lily, who had just set down a letter she had been reading with a sigh.

"What's the matter with you?" Sirius asked pilling food onto his plate

"I just got a letter from Petunia."

"She actually sent you a letter using an owl and everything?"

"No she had my mom send it, but she's requesting that I don't come home for Christmas because she's invited her boyfriend's family and she doesn't want me to embarrass her. I don't know what to do."

"Go home, who gives if you embarrass her, especially if she's thinks she's going to marry this guy, because then he's going to meet you eventually."

"Why is it that you come off insane and then come up with these answers that are perfectly logical?" Lily asked him confused

Sirius shrugged as James asked, "What's this guy's name?"

Lily looked at the letter, "Nathaniel, I doubt that she'll end up marrying him though."

"Just so you know Remus and Peter is in the library and I think Remus is considering killing him, you Lily Evans, have been given the task of stopping that from happening, if you choose to accept it."

Lily rolled her eyes, stood up and left the Great Hall headed for the library, knowing full well that Sirius only wanted to get rid of her so that he and James could prank Snape.

* * *

A/N take two: So, yeah, the boys were joking about gay man sex, so don't get your hopes up, also sorry this took so long, i've had a very distracting past few months and I'm hoping it get's better, but who knows. So reviews are greatly appreciated and flames are used to roast marshmallows, so thanks!


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